You’ve heard of the Darwin Award, which lists the most ridiculous deaths of people so stupid that their passing helps out the human race by taking their genes out of the pool. What I’ve assembled here are not so much a list of stupid dead people but stupid drunk people, and that’s why I’ve changed the name to the Bar-Win Awards. Why ‘win’? Because you get to vote for 2013′s winner.
One of the other top contenders earned his place on this list the hard way, starting with his penis. This guy was fucking drunk–literally–which is only a crime because he was driving his car at the time. Then he rammed his car into another one at an inter-sex-tion (oh shut up, you love it and you know it) and the police came quickly. To make matters worse, he’s a love ‘em and leave’ em kind of guy because he abandoned his naked girlfriend on the street at the scene (and i hope she at least got off before she got out).
Why should you vote for him? Because when the cops caught up with him, he was wearing only one shoe, had his shorts on inside out…and was hiding behind a cactus.
Stay tuned for tomorrow’s Can-idate: The woman who called 911 to report drunk people…in a bar.
You’ve heard of the Darwin Award, which lists the most ridiculous deaths of people so stupid that their passing helps out the human race by taking their genes out of the pool. What I’ve assembled here are not so much a list of stupid dead people but stupid drunk people, and that’s why I’ve changed the name to the Bar-Win Awards. Why ‘win’? Because you get to vote for 2013′s winner.
It wouldn’t be a Bar-Win Award contest of it didn’t have an entry from Florida. There was this one woman in a bar who called 911 six times to report… drunk people in the bar. i am not shitting. Short story short, the police showed up and did as she asked, they arrested someone who was too drunk: the dumbass woman herself.
Why should you vote for her? If you don’t know, you’re probably too drunk yourself.
Bar-Win Awards 2013 Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
All last week i posted the best of the worst, those 6 people who make drinking look bad. Oh sure, we’ve all been stupid drunk before but not this fucking stupid. Not so stupid our genes need to be eliminated from the gene pool so we don’t pass the stupid on to future generations.
You know me, and if you don’t then pass the buck, i’m incapable of making anything, especially anything that even remotely smells like a decision, so ima pass the buck back to you and ask y’all to do the choosing for me.
i’m going to call it when we get to 20 votes or the BarWin Awards for 2014, whichever comes.
If you’re memory is shorter than my attention span, these are the 6 candidates for the 2013 BarWin Awards (the Darwin Awards for Drunks). Click on the Title for each Can-idate to read about them or just look at the pictures and vote away.
Here’s my New Year’s resolution, for more shit like this to happen. For hot bi girls to get mega drunk and make out with top models in public. My New Year’s resolution is more Michelle Rodriguez.
Michelle Rodriguez, the King of Queens and still the first woman i’ll call if i turn gay, had a date with a 21 year old blonde top model who looks like this:
And acts like this:
Michelle took Cara Dlelevingne (pronounced: de-la-vagina) to a basketball game and it was hard to tell, oh so very hard, who had the most balls because Michelle kept trying to convert the young woman to either Lesbianism or Alcoholism or both and you know me (and if you don’t there oughta be a law) i already invented a word for that too and it’s LUSH, which stands for Lesbian Until Sober Honey.
“Psst, if I were a woman, would you be a lesbian?”
What’s the take away? These photos are the fucking take-away and they’re so great it’s like Santa came again and if he didn’t, i will.
You know you’re Michelle Rodriguez drunk when…
1. …this is ‘smiling’.
2. …you can only keep one eye open at a time
3. …you give a urine sample in public
4. …everything reminds you of vaginas.
5. …you finish first. Without her. At a basketball game.
6. …your ‘come face’ turns into a ‘go face’.
7. …you get this kind of lucky.
As i already got more than enough Michelle Rodriguez pics to choke a drunken whore, i thought i’d concentrate on Cara Delevingne from here on out.
Cara Delevingne Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
Al K Hall’s Drawers
What follows is NSFW, babes.
Cara Delevingne in the Bar None
Cara Delevingne in the Bar None
If i see those tats, i swear not to worry and to be happy
You know me, i’m not gonna lie to you or if i do, i’ll tell you first or just right after. Unfortunately, there are fuck tons of people out there who are going to lie to you and the only reason they’re doing it is to farm your ‘Likes’ on their Facebook pages.
On this one chick’s Facebook page, i saw a link to a piece called “7 Reasons Why You Will Never Do Anything Amazing With Your Life“. i go there and it’s pretty much average motivational crap stuck under a provocative headline to get your attention and to make you believe you’re not good enough.
Check this, i could do the same fucking thing and i’ll even time my ass to show you how easy this kind of article is.
Titillating title: 7 Reasons You Will Never Know True Love
You don’t love yourself
You look in the wrong places
You can’t let go of your past
You have too many criteria
You don’t know how to recognize love
You don’t laugh out loud enough
You are too focused on yourself
There you go. That took me 01:41. One minute and 41.4 seconds to write that outline.
Before you start saying, “But Al, Raymmar Tirado’s tips weren’t as simple and ordinary as yours,” imma call bullshit.
You know what he wrote in his article? ”You don’t ask enough questions,” “you don’t read enough books”… shit like that. You don’t know how much i read, Rainman, and reading a book a day still won’t guarantee me the Nobel Peace Prize. Hell, how many pictures do you see of Jesus reading books? He did some amazing shit and the only question he asked was, “Why me, Lord?” when the hung his ass on the cross.
Plus, who is Raymmar Tirado to tell us what to do? Like he’s an expert on doing amazing things. Have you ever heard of his amazing ass? i haven’t. The only amazing thing he’s done in his life is to write that piece of shit article telling you that suck.
Like i said up at the top, i won’t lie to you like Rayman did. i’m all about the coming clean, so here are the 7 Real Reason You Will Never Succeed
1. You are not rich enough
2. You were born in the wrong class
3. You did not go to the right university
4. You do not have the right connections
5. You have a moral compass
6. You have family and friends you care about
7. You do amazing things every day
Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Alicia Keys ft. Kendrick Lamar – It’s On Again
Ramblings: The Adequate Spider-man 2
Final Proof: 2½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with a hot girl at a party? You already met her before and feel comfortable with her even if she was a little boring but she still was pretty cool and you were kind of looking forward to seeing her again so it puts a smile on your face when you walk into the room and find her there. Then you guys start hanging out and she’s doing keg stands in a mini skirt so you’re thinking it’s gonna be a hearty party but then she comes over to where you’re sitting on the sofa and plops down beside you and starts talking about all of her problems like her ex and how her life is complicated and her dead uncle and her crappy job and how money is tight and you listen politely because she’s hot but you’re only waiting for her to turn things up a notch again, which she finally does at the end so the evening wasn’t a total waste but you’d be a hell of a lot more interested in seeing her again if she’d grabbed your attention and squeezed the entire time. The Amazing Spider-man 2 is so like that girl and so like that party.
“I got blue balls!”
i had an extremely not unpleasant time seeing this film. Pro’lly most of the people reading this want to see it too so i’ll start off with the good shit. Like the special effects were great from beginning to end, but at an estimated production cost of $200,000,000, you get what you pay for. Also, Andrew Garfunkel (Garfield, whatever) acts better in this one than he did the first one. Plus, the musical score kicked ass. There you go. If you don’t want to see me criticize this movie until it cries like a little bitch, you should stop here.
“Imma punch your punk ass.”
Because the special effects were good but designed for 3D, so if you see it in 2D, you’ll catch yourself wondering what it would look like in 3D and that’s distracting. Or maybe it’s just me. And Andrew Garfield (like the cat but less funny and he reminds me of Art Garfunkel’s love grandchild) acts better than the first one but still not really well. Even Emma Stone only brought her C game, which is the grade she would’ve gotten if this was a class, of which she had none.
“Hang on a sec.”
My main complaint about The not-so-Amazing Spider-man 2 was the lack of bad guy screen time. The bad guys they had rocked but they just weren’t in the movie enough. They were kind of like rap stars that get paid shitloads of money to make an appearance at a club and then after they show their faces, they take off to go to a better place and have fun. That’s what the antagonists (Greek word for ‘bad guys’, or Uncle Agonist’s wife) did in this movie.
“Guess who I ran into, today…”
Look, you and i both know i’m not going to talk you out of seeing this movie (like i actually did to a real guy with Pompeii) and i’m not even trying to. All i’m doing is telling you to be realistic and don’t get your hopes up about a movie that gets things done, but takes the long way to get there.
Driving a hard bargain
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1 shot
Am i the only one who heard that story about Emma Stone a couple years ago that she was in a bathroom before she was famous like she is today and these two young girls came up to her for an autograph and she treated them like shit, telling them to get a life and that she was too good for their asses? i swear i heard this and since then, i can’t find it in my heart to find her sexy again. OK, that’s bullshit, of course i find her sexy, i’m a straight guy with eyes and a beating heart, but because i have a heart i can’t think of her as anything more than just eye candy.
These expressions are 99% of every relationship. The other 1% is sex. Which is enough to put up with the other 99%.
And the candy shop was closed here because she was almost as covered up as Spider-man for the entire film and, let’s face it, as a blonde she looks pretty–ridiculous. We’re a long way from Easy A. In other words, before the movie, stock up on your eye candy here, where she’s cheaper.
Emma Stone Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
And here’s a free shot for you patrons. It’s Emma Stone hanging out with her hot besties. Ah, how i’d love to come between friends.
i’d love to come between friends
Speaking of, check this out.
There’ll be some more shots of her in my drawers, all the way at the bottom of this post, so just keep scrolling down until you hit the dirt.
The other sexual frustration in the movie was Felicity Jones (as Felicia). She’s this beautiful young English lass and she was on screen about as much as the bad guys, which means not nearly long enough. You get to see a lot more of her here than there, and i do mean ‘more’ of her.
Felicity Jones Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
There’s a handful of shots of her in my drawers as well, rubbing on top of the ones of Emma Stone.
The lovely Jessica Abo plays herself, which means the role of a TV reporter, and she’s all over the news in New York (as a presenter, not a psycho zombie lead story). Look how pretty:
For those of you more interested in Spider Men than Spied Her Lady Parts, Dane DeHaan (the guy from Chronicle) was the sweetest meat in this.
Dane DeHaan Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
Drink: 1 Shot
Nothing to write home about, or in this review either for that matter. There were a couple of scenes where we see Harry Osborn drink scotch from a decanter and one time he complains to his dying father about how for his sixteenth birthday he got a bottle of scotch and a card from his dad’s assistant.
Rock & Roll: 3½ Shots
Definitely the best part of the movie and i would have gone higher if there’d been more action. i didn’t want to say anything up top because of the Spoilers thing but down here i already gave a spoiler warning so if you’re still reading and you don’t want any spoilers you should stop right now.
Harold looks like shit
Because the bad guy (Jamie Foxx as Electro) was a cool looking mother fucker but he wasn’t in most of the movie. He made an appearance at the end for the main fight but that was basically it. Same with the Green Goblin. In a supreme moment of WTF, Harry happens to find a Green Goblin suit standing right in front of him when he’s suffering from the side effects of injecting spider venom into himself and then he flies off in it to fight Spider-man at the end of the movie, too. And then, also at the end of the movie, Spider-man fights Rhino but it’s so at the end of the movie that they don’t even have time to finish fighting before the credits roll.
The Hard-nosed approach
The other really cool hing was the music, by Hans Zimmer who made the right choice to go electronic because of the enemy being Electro and all. i’m not even a big fan of that kind of “music” but what they put here worked for me and especially for the movie.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by:
Alex Kurtzman, Roberto Orci & Jeff Pinkner - (screenplay)
Alex Kurtzman , Roberto Orci, Jeff Pinkner and James Vanderbilt - (screen story)
Stan Lee and Steve Ditko - (Marvel comic book)
Directed by: Marc Webb
Starring
Emma Stone – Gwen Stacy
Felicity Jones – Felicia
Jessica Abo – NY1 Reporter
Andrew Garfield – Spider-Man / Peter Parker
Jamie Foxx – Electro / Max Dillon
Dane DeHaan – Green Goblin / Harry Osborn
Bottom Line
Would lose a battle against any of the Avenger Superhero movies (except Ironmen 2 & 3, who both sucked).
As a small PS, while i’m not a big fan of either Emma Stone or Alexander Garfield (wait, wasn’t that a US president?), i do want to give them props for this:
Nice move: Credit where credit is due
Another Round
The Rod takes a look at the first in the series
Because WTF!? reviews are funny as shit
WTF!? review of a hotter Emma Stone by Saint Pauly
(9 if you don’t include the one everyone already though of.) Palcohol, powered alcohol for the movers and martini shakers out there, is trying to get approval. Staying on top of things is what i do (until i get pushed off, anyway) and in keeping with that tradition, i’ve already thought of 10 alternate uses for powdered booze.
1. Snort it
Smells Like Teen Spirits
2. Spice your Food with it
Spice is the variety of life
3. Powder your Milk with it
I’ll have a double
4. Eat it like Candy
Sugar Buzz
5. Bottle it as Sand Art
It’s not tacky if it can get you drunk
6. Wear it as Body Glitter
What many users will have in common
7. Make a Zen Garden with it
“Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional, booze is the difference.” - Brewda
Cara Delevingne Kissing Girls Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
From the juiced-box and dedicated to Reese Witherspoon, Zooey Deschanel, Kate Upton and Cara Delevignge…
Aerosmith – Love in an Elevator
[Press 'Play' for "Drunk in an elevator / Throwing it up after tossing it down..."]
Have you ever played that game, “If you could invite any 5 living people to a dinner party, who would it be?” Well, imagine you play that game, and then those 5 people ended up having dinner together. Freaky, right?
You know me (and if you don’t, you ought to know better), i’m not as intelligent as you, so i don’t play that game. When it’s not with myself, i play “What four people would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?” After years of perfecting my selection, i came up with the definitive list of four people i want to be stuck in an elevator with and it’s this:
Cara Delevingne (because she’s on every list i’ve ever invented ever)
Zooey Deschanel
Kate Upton
Reese Witherspoon (i bumped off Jesus to include her)
All drunk, of course.
Even more surprising than the perfection of this list is the fact that it all came true, even the drunk part. Here’s the video proof of that.
That vid is also all the proof i need to know that Reese Witherspoon doesn’t read my blog. i already said once in a post where i talked about Cara Delevingne being a LUSH (Lesbian Until Sober Honey), that the correct pronunciation of her name is “Car-ah De La Vagina“. Well, Reese was unaware so when she met Cara, hilarity ensued when she tried to pronounce Cara’s name. Also because she was drunk.
Speaking of her name, here’s a sound bite of Cara pronouncing the alternate, non “de la vagina” version of her name:
i have also come to the official conclusion that Cara Delevingne is not a L.U.S.H., but a young girl playing with the notion of bisexuality and everything else she can get her hands on. i do have photographic proof of that as well, of course.
Cara Delevingne goes both ways
Anyway, there’s tons of NSFW shots of this hot mess at the very bottom of these dregs.
Have you thanked your booze today?
Bar None Dregs
Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
From simple fan to simpleton blogger, my pupee, my mental, my proto-gay Saint Pauly’s website is building an audience in its own right. Let’s face it, he’s funnier than i am and i’m not just saying that because his WTF!? website is taking off and i have to stay on his good side.
Check out this review of another hot bisexual, if you don’t believe me.
WTF!? Review of Amber Heard in “All the Boys Love Mandy Lane”
Al K Hall’s Drawers
What follows is NSFW. You’ve been warned, and you shouldn’t be reading the above shit at work anyway.
Cara Delevingne
Cara Delevingne in the Bar None with Rihanna
Cara Delevingne in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None)
Kate Upton
Kate Upton AssAssin Panties
Zooey Deschanel
Zooey Deschanel in the Bar None
Reese Witherspoon
Reese Witherspoon in the Bar None
Reese Witherspoon in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None)
From the juiced-box and the film: Elvis Presley – Devil in Disguise
[Press 'Play' for what happens in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas]
Ramblings: Goodzilla
Final Proof: 3½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with an old friend? He’s cool and brings something for you to drink and lets you pick the tunes and he’s been with you a long time so he’s as familiar as your favorite booth in the corner bar. Hanging out with him is nice because you know him so well you get comfortable right away and settle into your routine and even if he’s taken steroids and some speed with his drink, he’s still the same old guy you’ve always been able to count on. Godzillais that old friend.
There’s a lot to like about this Godzilla dude. Sometimes there’s movies i really look forward to seeing, only when i get there i usually wind up all disappointed because these super heroes and monsters and robots don’t live up to their own hype. In the end they always have some fatal flaw that ruins it for me and i usually end up wishing they’d made the movie i wanted to see and not the one they showed me. The good news here is that Godzilla delivered what i wanted and, while he didn’t impress the shit out of me, at least he didn’t let me down.
It’s a solid movie with a good story and pretty fast paced, which means there’s more than just one action scene at the beginning and at the end. The actors do their acting thing even if none of the roles really are that much of a stretch for anyone. Bryan Cranston can act without even trying and here he doesn’t have to. Sally Hawkins is as cute as an English button but all she has to do is walk around and act surprised.
The big shock in the cast? Elizabeth Olsen (the non-twin) delivered the strongest performance of the film other than the monster. Sure, she cheated a little because “Elle Brody” is the only one in the movie that has any emotional range, but at least she didn’t drop the balls when exploring her character’s depth.
As for the special effects, they were often pretty good. However, the reason i stopped at 3½ shots here was because the action was sometimes a little muddied and the monsters’ fight scenes were often filmed in dark, smoky conditions and i suspect this was to “hide the wires” rather than for moody realism. Still, overall, the action was decent and regular, and the not so special effects didn’t hurt the film all that much.
Basically, if you think you’re going to like Godzilla, you’ll love it, and if you think it’s going to suck, you’ll probably be pleasantly surprised.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: ½ Shot
Elizabeth Olsen is the younger, taller, hotter sister of Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen (the mini bookends that were the darlings of American TV and kids’ movies). They didn’t age as gracefully as their untwin and they can’t act as well, either. Basically, Elisabeth got the looks and the talent, which is normal when you think about it because the twins had to share everything they got in two.
Elizabeth Olsen is bending over in the middle
Let me just say again, though, that the 1 shot here has nothing to do with her talent. Elizabeth really came through multiple times in Godzilla and proved she’s more than just a pretty face i hope to see a lot more of.
Unfortunately, whoever directed this film (Gareth Edwards) decided to concentrate more on the monster special effects than sex and more on his PG-13 rating than nudity. In your nutshell, this means this wallpaper is hotter than anything you’ll see of her in the film.
Elizabeth Olsen Bar None Wallpaper (Click on the shot for a wallpaper)
There’s some more single shots of her hanging out deep in my drawers, so just scroll down until you hit pay dirty.
Also hot in this movie is Sally Hawkins who i’ve been crushing on forever, like since i saw her in this one English movie called Happy-Go-Luckybecause she’s a good actress and cute and has a constellation of moles i’d like to spend all night drawing out and naming one time.
Sally Hawkins Bar None Wallpaper (Click on the shot for a wallpaper)
i put some shots of her down in my drawers, too. Including one cool one of her moles.
Drink: 0 Shots
The only time we even see booze is when Ford Brody (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) has some wine with his wife (Elle Brody / Elizabeth Olsen) when he comes back from a tour of duty in the Navy.
Rock & Roll: 4 Shots
The real reason i went 4 shots on the action was that there was a lot of it and it lasted throughout the whole movie. Much of what they put up on the screen, though, was a little confused and dark so i felt a little cheated like maybe whoever fucked up Pacific Rim could have come here and done just the action scenes because those were the best part of PR.
Remember, there are spoilers here!
It takes 45 minutes to see a monster, but there is action before that
There are a couple of surprising deaths, which is a real plus for this film. It also serves to keep us focused on the monsters
There are 3 monsters here: A boy Muto (giant spider cricket), a girl Muto and Godzilla
Godzilla kicks ass like a boss, and is the true hero of the film
Boring Technical Crap
Written by:
Max Borenstein (screenplay)
Dave Callaham (story)
Directed by: Gareth Edwards
Starring
Elizabeth Olsen – Elle Brody
Sally Hawkins – Vivienne Graham
Bryan Cranston – Joe Brody
Aaron Taylor-Johnson – Ford Brody
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Roberta Flack – The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face
[Press 'Play' for a taste of 1973]
Ramblings: The X Factor
Final Proof: 4 Shots
You know how you get drunk at an office party on a Thursday night? All of the gang is there, it’s the same people you don’t get drunk with all day at work and they’re here again but they look a little unusual and act a little cooler and the office is still the normal office but it looks kind of weird because it’s late at night and the lighting’s different than during the day. You have a good time and you let your hair down, and you unbutton an extra button on your shirt while you flirt with danger and the office hottie, but at the same time you never forget where you are so you don’t let yourself go crazy and you’re home by 2am and ready for work the next day. X-Men: Days of Future Past was as fun and as safe as that office party.
i originally wasn’t planning on going with 4 shots for this film but X-Men: Days of Future Past was ½ shot better than Godzillaand i gave that 3½ shots so there you go, a 4-shot movie.
Why hesitate to go the full 4? X-M:DoFP accomplished what it set out to do very well, but it didn’t set out to do all that much. It’s a solid movie with a story that’s easy enough to follow, even for me, and this despite jumping around in time all over the place. The acting was nice and not just Jennifer Lawrence who can do no wrong here in the Bar None, but even people i’m not big fans of weren’t too annoying. (i have nothing against Hugh Jackman because you can make “Hugh Jass” or “Hugh Jackass” jokes about his name, but i hate Wolverine with a passion partly because his last movie sucked Hugh Jass and mostly because his hair cut is what they should give pedophiles so they stand out from the crowd and make it easier for us to spot and hate on.)
Floppy hippie peace sign hat’s off to Bryan Singer who directed all this because most of the movie takes place in 1973 and i know from personal experience (mescal flashbacks) that this is what 1973 exactly looked like. Even the Pepsi product placement signs were vintage. The movie–like Kaley Cuoco’s boobs at 18–had an authentic look and feel.
Also, the special effects were very good. i saw this bad boy in (passive) 3D and there was enough eye candy to keep me interested and i’m not talking about trying to see if Mystique wears panties when she’s blue. It looked good and it moved at a good pace with only one really noticeable slow spot which they got out of the way at the beginning and was when they had to tell us the story of all the X-Men movies.
Why hesitate then? Because the film was missing the spark that set movies like The Avengers above the flood of super hero cinema. There was nothing special and when i see a film, i want special. i want to get excited about a movie, to get goosebumps, to guy cry a little. i want to feel kind of drunk when i watch a movie, especially because i’m an alcoholic who stopped drinking and can’t get drunk the normal way any more.
Finally, and being careful not to give away any spoilers, i felt a sense of “So what?” when the movie ended. Like it was a good movie but didn’t contribute anything to the X-Men anthology. Sure, it was better than all 3 of the first X-Men combined (i’m a Hugh Jater of those movies), but not as important as First Class.
At the end, you’ll give it a warm round of applause, but you won’t jump to your feet and yell “encore”.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 3 shots
Many, many beautiful women here (OK, three beautiful women, but in my life, that constitutes “many”). Then there’s knowing that Jennifer Lawrence is walking around naked except for a little polyurethane net and some body paint and you have all the fixings for a hot ticket. Apart from that, no sex or nudity, though there is a reference made that Mystique / Raven and Erik / Magneto had something X rated going on for a while.
Here’s what the majestic Jennifer Lawrence looks like when she’s not blue.
Young Jennifer Lawrence Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
There’ll be more shots of her in my drawers, down below. Just keep scrolling down until you hit the warning.
Also thrown in the mix is Ellen Page, my newest favorite lesbian. Here in the Bar None we welcome lesbians with open arms and not just because they’re hot. We have a strict no-hating policy here, including sexual preference, race, religion, politics and drink choice. Because none of those things stands in the way of hotness. Witness:
Ellen Page in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
There’s more single body shots of her down below as well.
Rounding things up, there was this super hot Chinese woman named Fan Bingbing who covered up all her goods because she played a mutant called Blink, like “Blink and you’ll miss her”. Fortunately, i’ve got this capture of her here for y’all.
Fan Bingbing Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
i threw some shots of her in my drawers as well. Dig down deep and enjoy.
On one final note, for those of you who prefer Y-chromosomes to X-women, Hugh Jackson shows his naked ass in this movie. i’m not gay, but i’d like to have that ass…as mine.
Drink: ½ Shot
Not a lot of booze here and what they had wasn’t key to the plot, so if they’re not going to make the effort, neither am i.
Young Charles Xavier drinks vodka from a scotch glass
Russian and Vietnamese soldiers drink in a Paris disco
Vietnamese officer orders a bottle of Johnny Walker at the bar
Charles drinks whiskey on a private jet to Paris
Slurred Speeches
I haven’t had a real sip in 10 years.
Erik drinking whiskey on the plane to Paris after his escape from prison
Rock & Roll: 4 shots
Very good special effects, (you won’t believe what happens to the baseball park) and regular action scenes with a minimum of backtalk left me satisfied in this domain. While there was no real rock and roll to the movie, they did have “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” twice and the escape scene with Jim Croce’s “Time in a Bottle” was killer. So yeah, imma go 4 shots on this.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by:
Jane Goldman, Simon Kinberg, Matthew Vaughn – story
Simon Kinberg – screenplay
Directed by: Bryan Singer
Starring
Jennifer Lawrence – Raven / Mystique
Ellen Page – Kitty Pryde
Fan Bingbing – BlinkHugh Jackman – Logan / Wolverine
James McAvoy – Charles Xavier
Michael Fassbender – Erik Lehnsherr
Peter Dinklage – Dr. Bolivar Trask
Evan Peters – Peter / Quicksilver
Bottom Line
A movie you don’t need to be a fanboy to like
Another Round
WTF!? hilarious review of a much worse film
Fernby Films’ awesome review of Part 1
Booze Revooze of “Capatain America: Winter Soldier”
[AllKHallism: i feel it only fair to point out to those of you new to the Bar None that, while i may be reviewing a child's film here, there is NOTHING appropriate for children in this Booze Revooze. While Maleficantwas PG, The Bar None: High and Dry is definitely NC-18. If you keep reading beyond this point, you only have yourself to blame, perv.]
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Lana Del Ray - Once Upon a Dream
[Press 'Play' for sleepy beauty]
As i’m posting this review a day before its US release, i’m posting a screen shot i snapped as proof i actually did see this.
Ramblings: Magneficent
Final Proof: 4½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with a blonde? She sits down at your table and you know exactly what tricks she’s got up her sleeves so you settle in with a smirk on your face and sip your drink while you wait for her to get ridiculous and puke in her purse. But right from the beginning she seems normal and even a little cool, so you sit up and take notice and start getting into the conversation with her while she casts her spell on you. The amazing thing is she doesn’t get drunker and sloppier and stupider but gets more interesting and more sincere and by the end of the binge you’re praying she can pull off her exit without letting you down, breaking your heart and cursing your luck. Fortunately, she takes her leave with subtle magic and you’re so impressed with your evening you stand up and applaud as she walks away. Angelina Jolie is not that blonde, but Maleficant sure is.
‘High’ Five
The best movie i’ve seen so far this year. i don’t worship at the cult of Angelina Jolie, i’m Disney neutral - neither loving nor hating everything they do on principal because i have none – i’m older than 9 (though i don’t usually act like it), and i thought this movie killed. One of the things i liked best about it was that it gets better as it goes on. Every other movie i’ve seen in recent memory starts off interesting and then keeps fading until it’s basically trying to end with as much dignity as it can muster before ending up in a walk of shame. Not Maleficent and not by a long shot.
Maleficent uses her Roofie spell
i’m just glad i got to see Maleficent before the US release because i know you guys and you’re going to find new and usual ways to hate on this film. Fortunately, i saw it before the haters got their eyes on it so i get these few days where i can enjoy the movie with a buzz as pure and innocent as Sleeping Beauty on lite beer.
Looking back on this movie, there are no real missteps (which is official movie review talk for ‘fuck-ups’) and, to be totally honest, the first ¾s of the film were above average but still average adjacent. What pushed this film over the top for me was how it took the traditional bullshit Disney concept of “True Love” being akin to date rape and turned it on its ass.
“Sorry, I don’t like the white ones.”
Who should see this? Parents and their kids. i couldn’t scare up any children to take to this but one of the things that impressed me was how the stereotypes were challenged, so little kids might have trouble seeing the shades of grey that lay beneath the vibrant colors. Kids older than 10 or whatever, should get this though. Especially if they’re your kids because you’re clearly in the top 10% of smart people, seeing as how you’re reading this blog and all. Also those people who have a little kid living inside them, kicking and screaming and laughing and crying and farting and feeling everything just a touch too deeply.
Who shouldn’t see this film? Jaded mother fuckers looking to get their rocks off. Tired souls who aren’t looking to feel but to be felt. Soulless zombies who’ve forgotten how to live. But if that’s you, you wouldn’t be here, you’d be trashing me on reddit.
A little prick
Before we go any further, i have to card two of the actresses. As they’re under 18, i won’t post any pictures of them in the sexy section of this post and i won’t post any sexy candids of them. i’ll include only photos the actresses posed for on purpose.
First up is Elle Fanning (16) who will be beautiful when she’s 18 or over. She was perfect for the role of Aurora / Sleeping Beauty because she’s talented enough to act well but young enough to channel the innocence she’s got running in her veins and bring it to the surface. There was a genuine purity to her performance that it reached down from the screen and touched me.
Elle Fanning Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper
Also just in under the wire is Ella Purnell, who played Teen Maleficent, a role she’s perfectly qualified to play, being that she’s 17 and all.
Ella Purnell Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1 Shot
Angelina Jolie was hot in a Skeletor way and that’s not even a joke. She did a good job acting as well, but her job was a lot easier than Aurora (Elle Fanning) because basically Maleficent is just a bitch through most of the movie and delivers all her lines in this smoldering bitchy way which seems to come pretty easy to Angelina.
Still, this was a good movie and she was the star so i gotta give credit where it’s due, especially when remembering she can look like this, or at least she did once upon a time.
Angelina Jolie Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
There are a lot more single shots of her stuffed in my drawers at the far bottom of this post.
Also appearing in Maleficent is the ultra hot Juno Temple. “Juno Temple?” “No, but i’d like to.” She plays a CGI fairy and she even looks cute when she’s a computer copy of herself, and if this isn’t the next porn thing, well, then something else probably will be.
Juno’s on the left and reminds me of Saint Pauly (a little fairy)
Gobs more shots of her looking far sexier in the drawers. Scroll all the way down.
For the Silken Butterflies in Maleficent, we have two beautiful women who were on screen only long enough to make us wish they were on a lot more.
Starting off is the lovely Hannah New and i bet she did when she decided to look gorgeous. She plays the Princess Leila and while she doesn’t have nearly enough screen time, her charm fills the screen while she’s there.
Hannah New in the Bar None
Following that up is the lovely Marama Corlett, who played a servant but did it while looking this good.
As for the sex in Maleficent, i’d be lying if i said there wasn’t any because there was, if you count two kisses as ‘sex’.
Every frat party ever
Drink: 0
None. Not even, any magic potions. Keep moving, nothing to read here.
Rock & Roll: 3 shots
The only real music was the Lana Del Ray and, let’s be honest, i think Lana Del Ray is the coolest thing since whatever the fuck this is
Something Lana no doubt uses
but she’s not rock and roll. The incidental music wasn’t rock and roll either, but the special effects were pretty rock and roll. There were a couple action scenes even if this isn’t an action movie and the cinematography (fancy film-speak for ‘the purdy pictures’) was purdy. i’ll go 3 shots on that shit.
Got wood? He does.
Boring Technical Crap
She’s pretty horny
Written by:
Written by Linda Woolverton
Based on the story “La Belle au bois dormant” by Charles Perrault
Directed by: Robert Stromberg
Starring
Elle Fanning – Aurora
Angelina Jolie – Maleficent
Juno Temple – Thistletwit
Hannah New – Princess Leila
Ella Purnell – Teen Maleficent
Marama Corlett – Servant
Bottom Line
If you’re cool enough to have made it this far, you should definitely see this movie.
Another Round
WTF!? Review of the Lord of the Rings trilogy
The Hot Rod gives us a nice review of another Disney effort
A Dregs article on why Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt broke up
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Willy Moon - Railroad Track
[Press 'Play' for a cool ass song played in the background during a barracks' scene, i think]
Ramblings: Groundhog War
Final Proof: 4 Shots
You know how you get drunk in a video game? You want to be a player so you get turned on and then you play around but when you start buzzing you lose control and then you die but it’s a video game so you get a free guy and go for another round. After you boot, you reboot and when being level gets hard you take another shot until you get it right. At the end, you have a kick ass time, even if things get a little repetitive before you meet the boss. End of Tomorrow was a lot like playing watching your best friend play that cool fucking video game.
People are going to compare End of Tomorrow to the classic comedy Groundhog Day, but people are wrong a lot of the time and this is one of them. i wouldn’t be surprised if Hiroshi Sakurazaka (the guy who wrote the book this is based on, All You Need Is Kill) didn’t even see that movie. What i do know is that fucker played a lot of video games. i say that because all gamers know how when you die you stomp your foot, jerk your head and make a quick spit sound with your teeth before you go back and try the level again, without making the same mistake.
Basically, End of Tomorrow is this video game and Tom Cruise is the player and the guy in the game at the same time. Whenever he dies, he goes back to the beginning of the level and tries again until he reaches the boss at the end of the film. The idea is pretty simple and not all that original, if you ask me (and even if you don’t), but then there’s not a whole lot of originality in movies now days anyway. Look at the last six blockbusters i reviewed: Maleficent, X-Men: Days of Future Past, Godzilla, The Amazing Spider-man 2, Captain America Winter Soldier, and 300: Rise of an Empire. Not one original bone in their bodies of work.
Given that this is as original as a Chanel bag you buy outside a subway, what about the rest? Well, the good news is the rest rocks. Tom Cruise, who i like as an actor and don’t know as a guy so i can’t judge, does a solid job as the hero who has to keep reliving the same war over and over again. Emily Blunt buffed up for the film and what’s not to like about her? She’s a decent actress and in real life bumps uglies with John Krazinski (“Jim” in The Office) who’s so goofy he has to be cool.
Let’s face it, though, nobody gives a shit about the actors. The main attraction here are the special effects and the action and End of Tomorrow delivers both. The film’s premise of remaking D-Day alien style requires bitching monsters and lots of fighting them, so we get to see a lot of action there. Fortunately, for the most part, the action is different enough each re-set that we don’t get too bored. For the most part.
What we end up with is an entertaining movie that doesn’t slow down, with tons of action and special effects done well enough you don’t notice them. So, yeah, you should give End of Tomorrow some play time.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: ½ shot
Cage (Tom Cruise) and Rita (Emily Blunt) kiss at the for absolutely no reason and i’m glad they do because it made the movie suckier and easier to review. Seriously, the movie was supposed to end 5 minutes before they unplugged it. That they kept it going long enough to force a happy ending down my throat made me gag a little, and not in a good way.
Other than that, there was the beautiful Emily Blunt and they let her be sexy in that one scene where she’s doing a floating pushup and then arches her back as she lowers herself down and that’ll make a good GIF when Edge of Tomorrow comes out on video. For now, we’ll have to make do with this because, other than this shot, Emily goes through the movie in more armor than a medieval knight wearing Mormon underwear.
Don’t worry, there are gobs more shots of her in my drawers, way at the bottom of this post.
Coming in as this hardcore, transvestite, butch, Michelle Rodriguez lookalike with metal teeth and funky hair is the beautiful, if unrecognizable, Charlotte Riley.
Charlotte Riley Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
There are a couple more shots of her in my drawers as well. Just keep scrolling down ’til you get lucky.
Drink: 0
No alcohol references at all. Think “AA meeting in a Muslim desert on Sunday”.
Rock & Roll: 4 Shots
Like a fatty orgy, Edge of Tomorrow had tons of action. What’s even more surprising is that it was, in large part (see me still working that heavy sex metaphor?), original for the most part. Sure, the movements were somewhat repetitive but they were able to throw in a little surprise twist with each insertion that made the experience pretty damn pleasurable.
As for the rock and roll, yeah, well, like those overweight bastiches in their sweaty pile, there was much more roll than rock.
Proof.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by:
Hiroshi Sakurazaka - Novel “All You Need Is Kill”
Christopher McQuarrie, Jez Butterworth & John-Henry Butterworth – Screenplay
Yeah, i got to see this on October 1, a full 9 days before y’all in the States. And because i know you don’t believe me – and who can blame you – here’s the obligatory ticket shot.
Ramblings: Bad Blood
Final Proof: 2½ Shots
You know how you get drunk in Eastern Europe? You think it’s going to be all exotic and that the cocktails will all be different and everyone you meet will be fascinating and that you’ll come away from the trip with stories that will have people buying you drinks wherever you go. Except beer is beer even in foreign places and the people there drink just like your asshole friends back home and the bars smell the same only dirtier and the bartenders rip you off with short drinks that are watered down before the waitresses overcharge you so the only stories you come away with are the same ones you already have, only less interesting. That’s what Dracula Untold is like.
Dracula Untold has been told so many times before i struggled to stay awake.
It’s been told many times over and better to boot. Like the directing was better in Bram Stoker’s Dracula, the script was better in The Hunger, and the action was better in From Dusk Till Dawn. There was a lot of money dropped on Dracula Untold, and like a tart who gets tarted up for a night out, the film looked the part. Unfortunately, just like that same tart at the end of the evening, Dracula doesn’t deliver anything more than a token kiss with only a little tongue.
The dialog sucked hard like a vampire, too. Every fucking line was super melodramatic and then the actors read them like they were their final words and it was so bad that you wished they were.
Not that i’m the kind of asshole who’s just going to rag on a film without hitting the good points. For example, the look of the film was great. The production costs must’ve been high and it was all on the screen with the rich images and epic landscapes that made me want to watch Lord of the Rings again. Plus, Dracula Untold had some good actors like Dominic Cooper, who did a better job here with a Turkish accent than he did in Need for Speedwith his normal accent.
Which reminds me, if you’re Turkish and reading this – wow, you must be really fucking lost. Also you probably don’t want to see Dracula Untold because they trash ancient Turkey more than i’m trashing this film.
You know who might like this movie? Kids. If you’re a kid and reading this then you’re even more lost than those Turkish dudes, but Dracula Untold is a good vampire movie for those of you whose only experience with vampires was Twilight. For the rest of us, though, this’ll leave you thirsty for something harder.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 Shots
A disappointment but i can’t say i was surprised. Or i could say it, but everyone would know i was lying because if you look at the cast on the IMDb page, 14 of the first 15 actors listed are men. In other words, be ready to get a long look at the unfairer sex for a long fucking time.
That one woman mentioned is the lovely Sarah Gadon, who showed as much skin as a Muslim woman in a body veil under a pile of quilts in Antarctica. This kind of bummed me out because Sarah’s not afraid to go full frontal, as she so bravely showed in Enemy [follow the link and get the exact times she bared more than her soul - thanks to Saint Pauly]. i blame it on American prudery and this is how i choose to fight that onslaught:
Sarah Gadon Bar None Wallpaper (Click on the shot for a wallpaper)
There’s more single shots of her at the bottom of this post, in my drawers.
One beautiful young lady flitted across the screen so fleetingly that her absence stirred a melancholy inside me. Whatever Dracula Untold‘s, at least Dilan Gwyn as the Governess made me feel something deeply.
Dilan Gwyn Bar None Wallpaper (Click on the shot for a wallpaper)
There’s some single shots of her rolling around in my drawers at the end of this post as well.
Drink: 0 Shots
Vampires suck and then they swallow, like much of this film, but they don’t drink booze. There was only one scene where alcohol flowed in copious quantities and that was an Easter feast. A Feaster, i guess you could say and if you don’t, i will.
Rock & Roll: 3 Shots
The action was definitely the best part of the movie, and to be fair, the film does move along quickly. As quick as a bat, if i may be so bold – and i may. Like my sex life, however, there was a lot of action but nothing new or exciting. They were just going through the motions and when it was over you felt satisfied but not in the mood for anything more.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Matt Sazama, Burk Sharpless
Directed by: Gary Shore
Starring
Sarah Gadon – Mirena
Dilan Gwyn – Governess
Luke Evans – Vlad
Dominic Cooper – Mehmed
Bottom Line
i’d wait and download this later. It isn’t worth the 10 bones to see it in the theater and you can watch the Francis Ford Coppola version in the meantime. You’ll thank me later.
This gift brought to us by Saint Pauly
Another Round
WTF!? takes a hilarious look at this vampire offering
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Fever Ray – If I Had a Heart
[Press 'Play' for part of a killer soundtrack: Fever Ray - If I Had A Heart]
To prove to y’all i got to see this on the 1st of October, here’s a couple cell phone shots i took.
Ramblings: No Ifs, Ands or Butts
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk with a spoiled girl? It’s not her fault her parents gave her everything she wanted but there she sits, over dressed, drinking champagne and eating lobster hors d’oeuvres, never looking directly at you or trying to get you to like her. She’d look better in jeans than that fancy ass dress and she’d be easier to like of she was ordering beer and she’d be more fun if she was a little hungrier and a little more desperate. One of the little known life lessons spoiled girls have yet to learn is that there’s a certain sexy in desperate. Which is not what Horns was like.
The weird thing is, i know i liked this fucking movie because i remember how i felt watching it, but ever since i left the theater i keep thinking about all the shit that got up my nose. Maybe i’ll make like i ate salmonella tacos to get all the shit out of my system so i can find the gold nuggets lurking inside.
Here’s what got my goat about Horns. This movie had so much money thrown at it that it lost its focus and wasn’t in a hurry to get to the ending. This was because the movie is based on a book and if i ever stop reading WTF!? i might read that book because i’m sure it was cool, but a movie isn’t a book — that’s why they have different words for them. What happens when you try to stick too close to the book is you end up with a lot of WTF because the reason why characters do shit isn’t explained like in a novel. A smart director would dumb it down and put everything up on the screen.
Then there were the flashbacks… This film had more childhood flashbacks than a Stephen King book, for chrissakes. i kept trying hard to care, i swear i did, but like a hook handed masturbator, i just couldn’t get there.
The other thing that prodded me to dislike Horns was Daniel Radcliffe. He’s a great little actor (he did a nice job of an American accent here) and he’s going to make some lucky guy a lovely wife one day, but to see him as a romantic lead was a stretch. Especially because the film is based on the depth of the love between Ig (short for ‘Ignatius’ and obviously symbolic of some shit, but i can’t be bothered to figure out what that might be) and Merrin Williams, where Juno Temple plays Merrin and Daniel Radcliffe plays a man. Like prostitutes next to hospitals, i wasn’t buying into that, which has more to do with how he looked than his acting because he can act like a man just as well as the next guy.
There’s a lot to like here, though, i swear. i’m a fan of Alexandre Aja who made Piranha 3D look good and who killed it in the remake of The Hills Have Eyes. Sure, you could argue he’s getting worse as time goes on, but that’s you. As for me, i’m sure he’ll turn things around and get the passion for filming back that he once had. Regardless, he knows what he’s doing and so he’s like this French seducer who’s expert at making you feel good while he’s screwing you, as long as you don’t care his heart isn’t in it.
Should you see it? Hell yes, especially if you’re going to see more than one movie this month.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2½
You know what this movie needed more of? Nudity. Of course i say that about every movie but this one had some really hot girls and some gratuitous flesh would have helped me gloss over some of Horns‘ flaws.
Here’s a quick rundown of my notes…
“Are you horny?” Merrin asks Ig in the first line of dialog in the film
Housewife banging her golf pro doggy style and they’re both clothed
Young Ig looks through a Playboy
Juno Temple bare ass and side boob
[Flashes of] Nurse naked doing doctor on a squeaky chair beside the surgical bed
Guy [Eric Pollins as Exhibitionist barfly] wants to show everyone his dick in a bar and goes full frontal [think of you, Saint Pauly]
[Speaking of Saint Pauly] Gay cops get off in the front seat of the cruiser
There were some lovely shots of Juno Temple, but then every shot of her is lovely. For those of you looking to see how much i appreciate her, check out the 0-5 Shot reviews of Maleficent, Kaboomand Mr Nobody.
There was also the gorgeous Kelli Garner, as Glenna Shepherd, the waitress who fucks to be loved. Remember how up there i talked about how a little desperation is sexy in a girl? If Horns looked and felt like Glenna looked and behaved, it would’ve had a lot more heart.
Kelli Garner Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
There’ll be some single shots of her in my drawers, all the way at the bottom. Just keep scrolling down till you see her smiling cleavage.
Also making an appearance was the amazing Heather Graham who is still as stunning as the time she showed us her boobs in Boogie Nights and a good slang name for that flick would be Boobie Nights because that’s how much of a revelation her chest was. Speaking of revealing chests…
Heather Graham Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
i got some single shots of her in my drawers as well. Just scroll the way down.
One of the actresses who was onscreen far too briefly to contain all of her talent was the exquisite Kendra Anderson, who played Nurse Delilah, like in “[Flashes of] Nurse naked doing doctor on a squeaky chair beside the surgical bed” from the Sex section up above. Here’s a toast to seeing a lot more of her in the future.
Drink: 3 Shots
There was a surprising amount here, to tell you the truth and that’s all i know how to do. Most every scene had a drink in it and like i mention in the next section, an argument could be made to the claim that the way people react to Ig’s horns is super similar to how people act when they’re drunk. You know me – and if you don’t i’m the one to blame – i don’t like to argue so i’ll shut up about it, but there’s some similarity.
Here’s the drinking shit shot by shot:
Anyone recognize that bottle?
Ig wakes up upside down, passed out next to an empty bottle of…? Whiskey?
Bar in the morning. Whiskey shots, beer chasers for the old men. Ig drinks beer from the bottle in a tree house.
Ig wonders if he got blackout drunk and killed Merrin.
Whiskey shots at the jazz club. Daniel’s brother [Joe Anderson as Terry Perrish] drinks whiskey from the bottle out of a bag
[Ig, Merrin and Lee Tourneau (Max Minghella) are] Drinking beer and holding up album covers over their faces in a flashback
Brother [Terry] doing coke and drinking whiskey from a scotch glass
Rock & Roll: 2 Shots
Aja let me down here. Look at the poster, for example, you’d think a guy with horns would use them for cool things and i’m not even talking about fetish shit (although that would’ve been a welcome addition). But no. The only things the horns do is make people say and do what they really think deep down. Like a bottle of Jäger without the rush.
Still, there were some good tunes, though, so i’ll put up two shots for that. Like there was Marilyn Manson’s version of “Personal Jesus” while journalists got into a brawl.
Plus the action at the end got good, especially with all the snake attacks.
Drunk Bachelorette party in the Bar None – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Keep on reading to learn how i stumbled over her dirty little secret while doing a bit of research for a short brief.
Here’s a ditty from the juiced-box, dedicated to Kim Kardashian and her little ones. Kanye West – Drunk and Hot Girls
Kim Kardashian had a midget’s baby
i’m pretty sure.
So, i started doing research on this Spanish chica who decided to have a bambino nine months after she got married, only to find out the kid was dwarf (which i don’t know how you can tell because all babies midgets, right?). After a lot of poking and prodding, she confessed the truth to her husband: she screwed a midget at her Bachelorette Fiesta. So basically, before she had her little one, she had a little one.
Kim Kardashian having a little shot?
During the minutes of extensive research i did in Google image search, i came across (in the “discovered” way, not “the midget at a Bachelorette party” way) some photos of Kim Kardashian. With a midget. At her Bachelorette party.
Love at first sight – Kim knew he had a little something
Their eyes meet for the first – and only – time
They seal the deal
i’m thinking the whole ‘Spanish’ midget baby is just a ruse to distract us from the truth: Kim Kardashian, and not some Spanish puta, is the one who actually got impregnated by a little person at her bachelorette party.
Consider these facts:
Kim just had a baby…like the Spanish woman
She has black hair like Spanish women
Spain has a King and her husband, Kanye West, could refer to himself as the King of Rap
Her ass is as big as Spain
She called her baby ‘North West’ and Spain is the opposite direction of North West from the United States because she’s trying to throw other journalists off the scent…but Kim Kardashian’s scent is too strong for me to ignore
Look at these pictures of the tyke – does he not look like a Spanish midget?
Kanye learns of Kim’s tiny indiscretion – Kim looks ashamed – North looks South of the Border with his poncho
And look, i unearthed this snippet from the bachelorette party videos…
What brought on Kim’s sudden attraction to little people? My answer is that it’s not so sudden. She gave signals that she wanted little folk to be into her as early as 2009 when she wore this obvious sign.
1 down – 6 to go
The only question remaining is, could you, like Kanye, forgive your new bride for fucking a stripper at her Bachelorette party?
Seriously, please leave a comment and let me know what you would do if your new bride admitted to getting drunk and having sex with a midget at her Bachelorette party.
Bar None Dregs
If you think this shit is funny, you should check out Saint Pauly, my protogay over at WTF!? (Watch the Film).
Hilarious WTF!? review of Transformers: Age of Extinction
WTF!? explains The Zero Theorem
As for me, go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
The proof is, he keeps throwing it up all over the place.
There’s this English kid called Hairy Styles which sounds more like a fashion statement than a name but that’s how they roll in jolly olde England. If you’ve never heard of this guy don’t worry, i haven’t either. My ignorance isn’t all that surprising, though, when you realize i know everything there is to know about good music.
The reason i’m babbling on about this kid is because this photo was splattered all over the front page of the Internet a while back. Seems Hairy had to pull over and stomach sneeze.
At first i thought he’d been innocently listening to the radio when all of a sudden one of his own songs came on and, before he could change the station, he heard enough of it to make him hurl. Turns out there was a contributing factor. In addition to getting sick on his own tunes, he also had a hangover from drinking the night before with Lily Allen at the Nice Guy Bar in LA.
Harry Styles after the Bar None
My assumption that his music was to blame is understandable, though, when you realize the effect One Direction’s “songs” (and i use the term as loosely as a whore’s vagina after giving birth at a donkey show) have on humanity at large. For example, check out these poor, impressionable young things that accidentally heard One Direction…
The music is killing us from the inside!!!!!
“Oh my god, mom! They raped my ears with their limp penis pop!”
“I’m ruined for life! I can’t un-hear it! I CAN’T UNHEAR IT!”
“You have a One Direction Ringtone!? Make It Staaahhhppp!!!!”
“The noises you make are making me vomit!!!”
“My ears! My ears! Clean them with bleach!!!”
“How much pain can one girl bear!? I just got my period and now this!”
Which is not to say all girls hate the band, but One Direction fans are a special breed.
And collectively, these fan girls have formed the Nutsy party with the intention of eliminating all traces of good music from the planet with an ordered and systematic final solution. They’ve even given an old salute a modern twist to hail their leader.
But if you’re a One Direction fan and would like to date one of the members of this boys bandwagon, look at the following photographs of Hairy Styles’ exes and ask yourself: 1) Am I that hot? 2) Do I drink that much? If the answer to either is “No”, then send me an email with a naked picture of yourself (or at least topless) and then we’ll see which direction we go.
Cara Delevingne
Cara Delevingne in the Bar None
Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift in the Bar None
Kendall Jenner
Kendall Jenner in the Bar None
Kimberly Stewart
Kimberly Stewart in the Bar None
Caggie Dunlop
Caggie Dunlop in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper
Emily Atack
Emily Atack in the Bar None
Emily Ostilly
Emma Ostilly outside the Bar None
Felicity Skinner
Felicity Skinner in the Bar None
Kara Rose Marshall
Kara Rose Marshall in the Bar None
Caroline Flack
Caroline Flack in the Bar None
Bar None Dregs
Let me take a moment now to raise a glass of Pepsi Max and and drink a dry toast to Saint Pauly over at WTF!? (Watch the Film). A few years ago he started his little blog where he imitated my writing style (the sick bastard), and after a few emails, i encouraged him to be his gay self and press on. Well, last week was the first week that WTF!? (Watch the Film) surpassed this blog in total readers, so i want to congratulate him on well deserved success. And to take some credit for it. And to tell him now he has to start promoting the shit out of this blog, for a change.
His latest review is…
WTF!? review of Behaving Badly
As for me, go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
LUSH. If you don’t know what this stands for, you’ll fall for anything. LUSH is the Bar None acronym for Lesbian Until Sober Honey and i’m not saying Taylor Swift is a LUSH, i’m saying i hope she is or at least that she’ll take pictures of her trying to be.
Like Cara and a Taylor were both photographed drinking alcohol. In the company of another woman. At a basketball game. The only difference is that Taylor was drinking with a beautiful woman, and Cara was with Michelle Rodriguez. Still, since Cara and Michelle broke up, maybe Taylor can score with Cara on the rebound. There’s a match-up that would start me dribbling.
Taylor’s date was Karlie “Lip” Kloss, a hot lingerie model and my investigative journalism skills once again paid off once again because i figured out how they hooked up. And Cara Delevignge is the missing link. Check it out.
Cara is a model alcoholic and she had a few drinks with Lip Kloss which got Kloss all wet and shiny. But then Cara found Michelle, which left Karlie high and not dry at all but still wet and shiny. So Karlie went out and found herself her own, next-better thing: Tay-Tay. Ta-da!
There’s more shots of Taylor Swift & Karlie Kloss in my drawers at the bottom of this post. Just keep scrolling down ’til you start getting warmer.
You know me (and if you don’t, i wouldn’t be the first), i don’t give a shit about politics and shit like that. i’m just happy sitting here making you happy, but something other than me came across my desk the other day and i feel compelled to share it with you.
Chelsea Handler in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
American comic Chelsea Handler posted a picture of herself naked on top of a horse because Putin did. Except Chelsea didn’t do it to prove her boobs were as big as the Great Outhouse, but to protest the fact he can show his nipples and she can’t.
Chelsea Handler v Putin: Who’d you rather?
Now i like causes as much as the next guy, if the next guy is passed out in a pool of his own vomit at a I-don’t-care-about-causes bar. But if there’s one cause i’m willing to stand up for, it’s Free the Nipple. Now, don’t be confused like me and think the cause is to give free nipples to every one, because that would so rock hard, but it’s almost as good because they want chicks, sorry, girls to be able to show their nipples all over the place like men, except so much fucking hotter.
To prove i’m way cooler than Instagram, who censored her photo, i’m going to post the full original shot because i’m all about the political aspect of this and defending rights and equality and feminism and shit. Here at the Bar None, we’re Instagraphic:
BTW, to keep the protest going, here’s another shot Chelsea posted on Instagram. Hell, i’m just happy to be here and help out. Fight the Power.
Bar None Dregs
If you think this website is funny, you’re right. But also pretty funny is this guy over at WTF!? (Watch the Film).
Click on the logo for the laughs
As for me, go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit. All About Al K Hall
What follows is just sexy shots of the girls. Read on at your own risk because it’s even not safe for worker than the shit you just read.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Leo Reisman (Cole Porter) – You Do Something To Me
[Press 'Play' for the traditional Woody Allen jazz shit]
Ramblings: Cheap tricks
Final Proof: 3 shots
You know how you get drunk with a magician? For the first couple drinks you’re pretty amazed by his illusions and you find yourself wanting to believe there is something special going on, something beyond the everyday, something extra-ordinary. But it doesn’t take long for you to see through the tricks, and the magic, like the buzz, isn’t real at all – it’s artificial, it’s an illusion and once you see through it, you leave disappointed and feeling you could’ve made more magic yourself. That’s the not so special effect of Magic in the Moonlight.
Pinocchio as a cross dresser
Top hats off to Woody Allen for making a film a year, which makes him one of the most prolific filmmakers of his generation but then most of his generation is dead. The problem is, if a guy faps once an hour, the consistency of his… creative juices lessens and gets a little sloppy over time. If a magician never stops doing tricks, the tricks start to look the same after awhile. There’s only so many ways you can saw a woman in half. Legally.
i’m a big fan of Woodies. i’m also kind of a fan of Woody Allen. i especially like when he does magical realism. Alice, The Purple Rose of Cairo, even Midnight in Paris really work for me. i find most of his other movies, though, are like rum drinks in a mall bar: bland, ordinary, and weak. Magic in the Moonlight had the chance to make the right choice, but in the end decided it was too lazy. No one likes it when it’s too lazy in the end, ask Neil Patrick Harris.
“God’s penis is actually rather small”
i say that, but this movie wasn’t a total waste. The story line was like my porn, interesting and satisfying and the ending caught me by surprise. Probably the best thing overall about Magic in the Moonlight was Emma Stone. You probably remember that i still hate Emma because of a rumor years ago before she was super famous that she was a supreme bitch to a couple of young teen girls who approached her for an autograph. While i can’t forgive that, i have to admit that she’s fun to watch on screen. She’s cute and she has a sparkly charm that helps pass the time so that, even if the movie isn’t all that engaging, at least she is.
“And then I’ll show you how I got the nickname ‘Woody’.”
If you like Woody Allen, you’ll probably like this one, and if you don’t like him, sorry i didn’t bash him more.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: ½ Shot
Before i get balls balls deep into the sex, i want you to grasp something big about this movie. This movie is a romantic comedy between a man who is 54 years old and a girl who is 26. Not judging, but it’s obviously a Woody Allen movie and maybe even a little based on his life except, in the movie, the girl isn’t her lover’s daughter.
To be fair to the movie, i didn’t notice this age thing until some girl pointed it out to me afterwards. Which probably says less about me than you already know.
Whatever, Emma Stone was 24-25 when she made this movie and it’s not my fault that she looks like this.
Emma Stone Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
There’s more single shots of her in my drawers, down there. Just keep scrolling down until you hit the dirt.
As for the sexy in Magic in the Moonlight, here are my sex notes, blow by blow:
Emma Stone is super cute in her hat
Emma Stone closeups are breathtaking
Emma Stone dancing [is like watching new angels learn to fly]
Stanley [Colin Firth] and Sophie [Emma Stone] kiss at the happy ending
Just one this time, and not a beginner either. The very lovely Catherine McCormack was both in 28 Days Later and Braveheart, though she wasn’t in this movie nearly long enough (as Olivia, Stanley / Colin Firth‘s girlfriend).
Drink: 2 Shots
Most of Woody’s movies have tons of booze in them, though they don’t usually play an important role, so that’s why i’m throwing up 2 shots here. Interesting that they have alcohol in almost every scene and i, as an alcoholic in recovery, wasn’t even tempted once. Maybe i’m past the cravings or maybe Woody doesn’t know how to film booze.
Scotch in bar where one magician asks another to investigate a medium
Drinks at house before meeting Sophie [Emma Stone]
Stanley asks for wine visiting his Aunt Vanessa’s [Eileen Atkins] house after lunch
Dancing champagne in hand at the ball
Lots of champagne glasses as props to the sunrise after the ball [WTF!?]
“Perhaps I can scare up a whiskey.”
“We should break out champagne!” Celebrate Aunt Vanessa’s health
Wine at Aunt Vanessa’s when [Stanley] realizes he loves Sophie
Drinks at a bar forgiving his friend [Simon McBurney as Howard Burkan]
Vanessa: You need a drink. What will you have? Stanley: A scotch. (After breakup)
Rock & Roll: 0 shots
Woody Allen is a jazz freak and just a freak but knows nothing about rock, either for action or music.
For those of you who kept a couple of shits to give, here’s the soundtrack recreated on Spotify. (i had to substitute versions of some of the songs for what was available.)
Emma Stone – Sophie
Catherine McCormack – Olivia
Eileen Atkins – Aunt Vanessa
Ute Lemper – Cabaret Singer
Colin Firth – Stanley
Simon McBurney – Howard Burkan
Bottom Line
If it’s between this and something else, choose something else. If there’s nothing else on, you could do worse than this.
How many times have people come up to me and said, “Al K Hall, my kids just aren’t taking to vodka as quickly as I did at their age. What can I do to get them on the bottle sooner?”
Ok, no one has ever come up to me and asked me that question, but if they did, here’s what i’d answer…
But before we get into that, i have a little song for you from the juiced-box, to get you in the mood. Korpiklaani - Vodka
Bar None Kiddie Vodka Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
10 Vodkas Your Toddlers Will Eat Up
1. Peanut Butter & Jelly vodka
No crusts in here
2. Cookie Dough vodka
For when real raw cookie dough doesn’t make you sick enough
3. Chocolate Covered Pretzel vodka
Everyone’s go-to junk food, am i right?
4. S’mores vodka
Good for getting drunk on right next to a roaring bonfire
5. Cotton Candy vodka
Will stick to the toilet bowl, not your fingers
6. Bubble Gum vodka
Now no one can burst your bubble
7. Red Liquorice vodka
Liquor-ice
8. Fluffed Marshmallow vodka
A new way to get toasted
9. Buttered Popcorn vodka
Quieter for the movies
And if you want extra butter
Autumn Butter vodka
666: The number of the eats
10. Root Beer Float vodka
Because you need something to drink to wash all of these down…
The dregs are back, bigger and bitter than ever. Like i got a drunk cheerleader picking up and going down on her kids’ friend, i got Koreans afraid the Irish will outdrink them, English people raising all kinds of hell in Thanksgiving-land, Amanda Bynes working for for me, shitfaced toddlers, laws you only have to obey when you want to, prosecuted prosecuting attorneys and so much fucking more you better start reading now before you run out of time to finish all the shit rising to the bottom. Even better, i have a present for y’all. That’s right, i got you guys a “Get out of jail drunk” card of your very own. Because that’s the kind of tender bartending mother fucker i am.
Not from the juiced-box, but dedicated to the Irish from the Koreans: SM Ballad – 내일은 (Another Day)
[Press play for a song that was banned in South Korea for promoting alcoholism with hardcore lines like “Drunk on alcohol so that I don’t miss you” and “If you fall asleep drunk, you dream“]
An Irish woman applied for a teaching job in Korea, probably because she wanted to stay drunk all the time and she knew that Koreans party like it’s nobody’s business except hers if she got the job. What makes it my business is that they told her she can’t teach there because she’s Irish which means for sure she’s probably an alcoholic. Here’s what he South Korean teaching agency had to say…
I am sorry to inform you that my client does not hire Irish people due to the alcoholism nature of your kind.
To be fair, i can’t help but agree with them. i mean, South Koreans drink more than any fuckers in the world. 4 times more than the whUSsies and 5 times more than the pussy Irish.
So first the Koreans should know if someone drinks too much and second, the Irish chick wants to move to Korea so obviously she wants to drink 5 times more than she does now, right? i mean, why would anyone want to move to fucking South Korea? Has to be to stay shit faced all the time.
But you know me (and if you don’t you don’t know shit), i’m going to leave it up to y’all, the patronizers of the Bar None. Look at these two wallpapers and vote on which country is the most fucked up.
Drunk Irish Girls wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
Drunk Korean Girls wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
My theory is South Koreans got the wrong impression about the Irish from watching too much Archer.
Speaking of places for alcoholics to live, y’all alcoholics should move to Arizona. They just voted on a proposition which says they don’t have to obey any government law they don’t want to. The good news for us is that it means we can do the same. Just go to Arizona and do any old fuck thing you want and if they give you shit about it, just say, “I don’t feel like recognizing your law as Constitutional.”.
Kathleen was arrested (with a BAC of .205) because she was swearing at students while drinking white wine and screwdrivers before, in and after class. Sounds like she’s teaching some life lessons to me and besides, i’ve memorized the Constitution and nowhere does it say Thou Shalt Not Teach Drunk. All Kathleen has to do is say she doesn’t feel like obeying their “Drunk and Disorderly” law because it’s not Constitutional, and she can go home and resuscitate that bender.
While we’re talking about lawlessness, a New York City prosecutor handled a tough case of beer and was out of order at the bar where his actions drew contempt from all of those judging his poor demeanor. Manhattan prosecutor Eli Cherkasky grabbed this lady’s bags (like real bags, not a euphemism) and when she got pissed, he grabbed both her arms and was all,
Bitch! You’re a bitch! Hit me! Why don’t you hit me?
to which i hope she answered, “Because I don’t abuse animals, even pigs.”
Eli Cherkasky Mug Shot
Then 5 minutes later, he called her a “Cunt”, pushed her to the ground and started choking her ass (not literally).
Eli may have passed the bar exam but he failed this bar exam. I don’t think he’ll be prosecuting himself, though, because he doesn’t even feel guilty.
Six tots under the age of 8 descended on a Joe’s Crab Shack in Colorado Springs, CO and ordered a round of drinks. They were served Kiddy Cocktails, hold the Kiddy [and if you do, they'll never let you within 500 yards of a grade school again]. Unfortunately, the waitress came back shortly after and carded them told them their drinks had alcohol, so she took the beverages away, but not before one little 2-year-old had polished off her entire “Shark Nibble”.
That’s a good price for cooked kids
The good news for those of you under the age of 21: now you know where to go and what to order if you want to get Baby’s First Hangover.
Just in time for Thanksgiving, here’s your Turkey, where locals think the English are turkeys.
You Turkeys!
What happened was is that the English tourists in Turkey drank until dawn which is when the Muslims go to pray because the early bird catches the best rug. So the holier than thems complained because there were drunk English people all over the place, just like every country that has English people in it.
Bloody Hell
What the Turks don’t understand is that the Brits were partaking in their own rough sects. Boozing is sacred to the English, who drink religiously until they fall to their knees and call out to God at the white altar.
i’m writing you with a job proposition and this one doesn’t involve a head or a hand like the last time. i know you’re looking for a job as a bartender and we have an open position for you here at the Bar None, and this time by ‘position’, i don’t mean Missionary, Peace sign, Butterfly, The Stopperage, The Yawning Position, The Octopus, The Viennese Oyster, The Leapfrog, Doggy style, Upright doggy, 69, Spread-eagle, Spoons, Inverted Missionary, Camel Ride, The Screw, The Cowgirl, The Italian Chandelier, Horizontal Reverse, The Proposal, The Split level, The Crabwalk, Watching the Game, The Armchair, The Black Bee, Persuading of the Debtor, or The Playing of the Cello. The salary, like the job and the Bar None, is 100% spurious, and i think you’ll like it because you spend most of your time in fantasy land already.
All the booze,
Al K Hall
Temporal Functional Alcoholic Spokesperson
PS One of the requirements of the job is that you stop the plastic surgery. You were cuter before you started and you’re only going to make things worse if you continue so quit while you’re less behind.
There’s this 15 year old boy somewhere who’s a little sadder tonight because his cheerleader girlfriend got arrested and may go to jail for raping him. Oh yeah, because she’s 47. The once oldest NFL cheerleader first saw the kid’s photo on Instagram using her eyes and then got in touch with him using her mouth. And her hands.
In this case, though, two heads may not be better than one because, after she blew him off twice (and not the cold shoulder way), he never wanted to see her again, despite her wide open offer of free sex.
C’mon, Molly, pick up someone your own size. And if you want someone to practice on, i can give you a tip.
Check this magic trick out. Here’s what Molly looks like hanging out with the kids…
And here’s what she changes into when she goes the the police for her mug shot.
Ta-dumb!
More drunken cheerleaders? Coming right up…
Drunk Cheerleader Wallpaper – click on the shot for a wallpaper
Elizabeth Vargas, a journalist in Chicago was fired because she showed up at work drunk a couple times and couldn’t finish a broadcast because she was drunk on air. Her defense was the “Fuck you” defense. “Fuck you because you knew i was an alcoholic when you hired me because you knew i got fired from my last job for being drunk all the time.”
A News Flash
As an alcoholic in recovery, i kinda wish i’d had this defense when i was a drunk. Imagine being able to get away with all of your drunken fuck-ups just by saying you’re a drunk. “i’m sorry about running over your dog, officer, but i’m an alcoholic and you knew it because you already arrested me shitloads of times.”
You know what, though? Why should celebrities be the only ones to get of scotch free? Here’s your own, personal Get Out of Jail Drunk card. Feel free to carve out of your monitor and use it the next time you screw shit up with your drunk ass antics.
i sure could’ve used this card back when i was drinking because i did shit like
Made aquarium lips on the window of a restaurant on the Champs Elysées
Asked friends if i could sleep with their girlfriends
Made my sister the designated driver on her 21st birthday
Yeah, i’ve done a lot of shit where a get out of jail drunk card woulda come in handy. What about you? Care to share any embarrassing drunk stories with us here at the Bar None? Leave a comment in the Tip jar. (BTW, the Tip Jar is the “Comments” section.)
2014-11-14 Big Ass Ass
Booze goes striaght to her ass
Kim Kardashian’s ass isn’t just big, it’s opera big. Because she’s trying to turn all the public attention away from the story that I uncovered about how she had a dwarf’s baby, she decided to pose completely nude on the cover of some made up magazine no one ever heard of and probably doesn’t exist. Then, to make sure she got my attention, she posed with champagne everywhere to make sure i knew she was in the Bar None. As i’m always one to oblige, here’s Kim in all her glory hole.
As long as she doesn’t think i’ve forgotten her dwarf baby.
Watch out, y’all because what’s coming up won’t go back down: it’s too NSFW, even NSFWer than all the shit you just read before. You’ve been warned.
And, while we’re on the Free Nipple subject, here’s my contribution to the cause with another KK pic, only this time it’s Kim Kardashian in the Bar None.
Damn, it’s hard being so political. So very hard.
Bar None Dregs
If you think this website is funny, you’re right. But Saint Pauly over at WTF!? (Watch the Film) isn’t so bad either.
Click on the pic for the chuckles
As for me, go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit. All About Al K Hall
Rock & Roll: 2 Shots
