After the resounding success of my Vodka for 9-year-olds, i figured what the fuck, there’s grown ups who like vodka too, right?
The problem is, our tastes have moved past candy, but does that mean we have to stop enjoying vodka at all hours of the day? Fuck no!
Below you’ll find a selection of flavored vodkas you can have for any meal…dessert included.
As an alcoholic in recovery, i haven’t tried any of these but i’ll probably go off the wagon when they invent Cara Delevingne’s panties vodka (distill my beating heart).
That said, i’d love to hear from you in the tip jar (comments) if you’ve ever been brave enough to sample one of these. Which one did you try and what did you think?
To get you in the mood, from the juiced box, i give you: The Whiskey Bards – Drinking Man’s Diet
Wallpaper
Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
17 Vodkas You Will Eat Up
1. Breakfast Vodkas
Breakfast is the most important drink of the day. Most alcoholics recommend a hearty drink before braving the world outdoors. For those of you who want a big breakfast drunk, try
Maple bacon (WTF!?) vodka
Blueberry pancake vodka
Waffle vodka
If you’re one of those who doesn’t like big breakfasts, not to worry. What about Fruit Loop vodka?
You could even drink it out of a bowl
Still too much? How ’bout just a little bite on your way out the door.
Drunken Donuts
2. Lunch Vodkas
Busy at the office and looking for something to take the edge off? Try this blast from the past: PB&J vodka.
No crusts and everything
Want to give that sammich a little kick?
How to get pickled
Maybe you need something that’ll burn a little more going down.
Burns going both in and out
Not spicy enough? No problem, i got some Jalpeño vodka for you.
Burns both going down and coming up
To be sure you stay healthy, don’t forget to drink a little fruit. (SaltyWatermelon? WTF!?)
Seedless
3. Dinner vodkas
A three-course meal is the perfect way to finish off the day if you’re still standing.
Are you glad i didn’t post this as a slideshow and make you go through each bottle one at a time? You could always thank me by…uhm, i don’t know… sharing this.
What about you? Have you tried any of these? Leave a comment below and let us know what you thought.
Not from the juiced-box but the soundtrack: Billy Boyd – The Last Goodbye
[Press ‘Play’ for maybe the only thing gayer than a hobbit]
For those reading this the day before the US release, here’s the smart phone proof i got to see it before y’all. Don’t hate the player, hate me.
Ramblings: Happy Ending
Final Proof: 3½ Shots
You know how you get drunk on bumblewine with wee tiddlers in the Land of Nodd? The yarns they spindle numb your senses and you feel the weight of night petals settle over your eyes and pull you into Slumberland like a boat of Fire Mead. You’re able to dull out the incessant blades of their boredom as they harp out of tune tales meant for children and petty criminals. Just as you decide you’ll suckle the last dram from the bottom of the caphorn and be on your way, the stories finally become interesting. Like the whelm of the liquor, their tales turn to epic sagas of bravery and sacrifice, of blood and courage, of death and magic. You find yourself captivated by the heartbeat of their tongues, your eyes are regaled by their words and you’re happy you stayed the course and settle into the comfortable inebriation of the night realm. That’s what The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies was like.
Nobody wanted to see this movie less than me. i already saw the first one (The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey), and if that wasn’t bad enough (and it was pretty bad, trust me) i even saw the second one, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug. That’s how bad i want to please you, and trust me, it was pretty bad.
So i was all set to sleep through this third and – thank you fucking god – final installment of this most boring orgy of hobbit porn but then something happened i could never have counted on. i actually liked this movie. It was pretty fucking good.
What did i like about this one i didn’t like about the others? Uhm, what’s the word i’m looking for… Oh yeah: EVERYTHING. Like in the first two movies Peter Jackson couldn’t decide if he wanted to make a kiddie movie or a barely intense action flick and so he went to both extremes and the film got lost in the middle. Or there was tons of talking in the other two. People and non-people alike just walked around yapping about nothing at all. And there were moments of action but they were so spread out it reminded me of my sex life and this depressed the shit out of me more than the depths of boring we descended into.
But not with The Battle of the Five Armies. The movie kicks off in high gear with a dragon attack and doesn’t slow down much from there. There’s enough action but, more importantly, less useless dialog and i won’t even talk about the final battle which takes up the last third of the film which is pure spectacle.
Hell, i didn’t even remember the snooze-fests that were the fist two films and i still understood what was happening here and was able to follow along. You know what was too bad? This film is a lot closer to the original LotR trilogy and if Jackson had made the first two Hobbit movies like this one, he would’ve ascended into Assguard (or whatever) and hung out with the gods.
As it is, at least he finished on a high note.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 0
Not even a kiss. Then again, looking at the cast, that’s probably a good thing. And now that i think about it, there probably was a kiss between Tauriel (Evangeline Lilly) and Kili, her Dwarf (or whatever) boyfriend. The good news in that sentence is that Evangeline Lilly was in this movie, so i get to spend some time looking up pictures like this.
Evangeline Lilly Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’ll be some more shots of her in my drawers at the way bottom of this review.
And Evangeline Lilly wasn’t the only hot actress in this one. We were blessed enough to have a few minutes of screen time with Cate Blanchett as Galadriel, and i was pretty glad-real that a woman who looks like this appeared in the film.
Cate Blanchett Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’ll be some solo shots of her rolling around in my drawers at the bottom of the post as well.
They tried to hide how hot Peggy Nesbitt (real life daughter James Nesbitt, the actor who plays Bofur) was but despite limiting her screen time to a tragic little, her beauty shone through. She played the oldest daughter of some Lakeville hero called Bard, but we’ll be remembering her face a lot longer than his. Because it looks like this.
Drink: 0 Shots
Yeah, there was even less booze here than there was in the other ones.
Rock & Roll: 4 Shots
Four shots and i don’t have to tell you it had nothing to do with the music and don’t make me prove it by forcing you to listen again to the song i already posted at the top up there. Nope, the four shots here is all action and there was enough of it in this movie. Sure, there could’ve been more but at least what they had here was killer.
The movie starts out with Smaug attacking Laketown and this is done really fucking well. Jackson doesn’t shy away from the action, he gets right up into it, close and personal, and he doesn’t skimp on it either. There’s some meat to the battle and it isn’t repetitive either. Plus, the special effects are so good you forget they’re special effects.
Then if you think that was good, wait until the final battle. It takes up the entire last third of the movie and while some people may think this is too long (like those who whined about all the action that was in the third Transformers), the epic war didn’t feel drawn out at all. The whole time i watched it, i was thinking about the grandiose spectacle of the thing and really had a great time. This kind of action is what going to the movies is supposed to be about.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by:
J.R.R. Tolkien – novel “The Hobbit”
Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, Peter Jackson & Guillermo del Toro – screenplay
Directed by: Peter Jackson
Starring
Evangeline Lilly – Tauriel
Cate Blanchett – Galadriel
Benedict Cumberbatch – Smaug / Necromancer
Lee Pace – Thranduil
Luke Evans – Bard
Richard Armitage – Thorin Oakenshield
Orlando Bloom – Legolas
Martin Freeman – Bilbo Baggins
Ian McKellen – Gandalf
Manu Bennett – Azog
Bottom Line
See it. So much better than the first two. And the best part is, you don’t even have to see (or remember) the first two to enjoy this one.
Another Round
Booze Revooze of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
Booze Revooze of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
WTF review of Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
WTF review of The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
WTF review of The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Fernby Films review of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
Bar Angels and Boozehounds, the time has come yet again to waste some of your hard earned beer money on other people who won’t be able to contain their disappointment when they open the presents you bought with cash you should’ve spent on cheap tequila and that one heavy chick who wears a bikini top to the bar even if it’s winter and you live in Duluth.
What’s even worse than this torture? Well, for me it’s going through this sober, but for you normal drunks? The worst part is trying to hide the disenchantment you feel when you open yet another bag of dress socks that only reminds you that you have to go back to the office after the festivities have ended in a gut wrenching hangover.
Fret no more, dear Patronizers, i’ve compiled a list here of shit you can ask for so that all you have to do is share this with loved ones so that you can be sure to get more than slapped this holiday season.
10 Gifts on a Drunk’s Pissed List
Ways to smuggle booze
This year, why not own up to the fact you’re so much of an alcoholic you can’t go anywhere without an emergency supply? Here are some ways to live that dream.
1. Fake Tampons: Because licking your tampon looks less suspicious than sneaking a nip from a flask
2. Wine Rack (AKA the best named gift of the lot): Because sometimes a girl wants to suck her own breasts
3. Drunk Driver: Because everyone would die of shock if they saw alcohol on a golf course
Bottle Clothes
More popular in Europe than Elvis, trust me.
4. Because sometimes you don’t want a bottle of red, you want a bottle of redneck
5. Because sometimes your vodka gets chilled
Ass Gifts
Every boozer needs a reminder that they are not the most useless thing on the planet.
6. One-handed bottle opener: So much faster and easier than a no-handed bottle opener – your date.
7. Beer Can Holder: Yeah, I wouldn’t want be seen touching a can of Coors Light, either.
Gifts That Get You
Here are two gifts that you don’t need to get because they get you – on a fun-da-mental level.
8. Spill-proof Martini Glass: Because you want to be able to sip that Cosmo while having sex in the city
9. Spill-proof Wine Glass: Not as efficient as the sippy cup i used to use, but more socially acceptable. Ok, a little more socially acceptable.
Alcohol Test
Bottle Vise Puzzle: For those alcoholics who aren’t just practicing but experts at it, here’s something that’ll make you think before you open the next bottle.
Bonus Gift
Because it’s Christmas, here’s my gift to you: a bonus idea.
Beef Straw: If you can’t find any online, just let me know, i have a meat straw you can borrow (but you’ll have to suck hard and long before anything comes out)
As of right now, 403 patronizers have found there way into the Bar None, and you can add one more because i’m here with you. i know you have the choice of a lot of places to go and get shit faced today, and that you chose my corner of the internet means a lot to me. May the season find you happy and safe and full of a lot of cheer. Though maybe not as much as Santa.
But before we pass on to that… From the juiced-box and dedicated to Kris ‘Krispy’ Kringle: Big & Rich – Drunk on Christmas
[Press ‘Play’ for “Santa, I’ve got the family blues…I need some Christmas spirit, and by spirit I mean booze“]
Want more of the same? Here’s a Bar None Christmas juiced-box play with yourself list:
As nothing’s too good for my Patronizers, i supply a lot of nothing. And i’m not the only one. Remember the Bar None Piss List from yesterday? Guess who stocks that party.
Santa Drunk in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Santa Claus
But wait, what’s wrong with Santa this year? Is he bummed because he confused your wish list with his shit list? Not exactly, but when this photo of him punishing a girl who’d been extra naughty surfaced…
…he found himself in water hot enough to send Mrs Claus into a meltdown.
i still don’t get what she sees in him, though, because he’s this obese reindeer fucker and she’s hot enough to melt Frosty.
Ms Claus
Mrs Claus standing up for my favorite charity: Free The Nipple
But how did Santa get so fucked up? What about his little helpers? Well, about that…
Them elves is some mischievous little fuckers. And Famous.
Elves
Naya Rivelfa
Will Ferrelf
Welf Wheaton
From all of me at the Bar None, thank you for patronizing me this year, and i’m looking forward to serving you all through 2015.
As you may have heard, a group of fanatic assholes attacked a French satirical newspaper, killing thirteen people, including four cartoonists who had made jokes about Islam and Muhammad. As someone who has a passing acquaintance with satire, this made me hopping muham-mad.
But then i realized, Jesus! Because the cartoonists were martyred, they have the right to go to heaven and get 72 virgins! This is a Bar None sedition of what that looks like.
First, however, from the juiced-box and dedicated to the martyrs of freedom of speech: Guns ‘n’ Roses – Paradise City
Muhammad prepares the Virgins for the martyred cartoonists
Drunk Bachelorette party in the Bar None – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Keep on reading to learn how i stumbled over her dirty little secret while doing a bit of research for a short brief.
Here’s a ditty from the juiced-box, dedicated to Kim Kardashian and her little ones. Kanye West – Drunk and Hot Girls
Kim Kardashian had a midget’s baby
i’m pretty sure.
So, i started doing research on this Spanish chica who decided to have a bambino nine months after she got married, only to find out the kid was dwarf (which i don’t know how you can tell because all babies midgets, right?). After a lot of poking and prodding, she confessed the truth to her husband: she screwed a midget at her Bachelorette Fiesta. So basically, before she had her little one, she had a little one.
Kim Kardashian having a little shot?
During the minutes of extensive research i did in Google image search, i came across (in the “discovered” way, not “the midget at a Bachelorette party” way) some photos of Kim Kardashian. With a midget. At her Bachelorette party.
Love at first sight – Kim knew he had a little something
Their eyes meet for the first – and only – time
They seal the deal
i’m thinking the whole ‘Spanish’ midget baby is just a ruse to distract us from the truth: Kim Kardashian, and not some Spanish puta, is the one who actually got impregnated by a little person at her bachelorette party.
Consider these facts:
Kim just had a baby…like the Spanish woman
She has black hair like Spanish women
Spain has a King and her husband, Kanye West, could refer to himself as the King of Rap
Her ass is as big as Spain
She called her baby ‘North West’ and Spain is the opposite direction of North West from the United States because she’s trying to throw other journalists off the scent…but Kim Kardashian’s scent is too strong for me to ignore
Look at these pictures of the tyke – does he not look like a Spanish midget?
Kanye learns of Kim’s tiny indiscretion – Kim looks ashamed – North looks South of the Border with his poncho
And look, i unearthed this snippet from the bachelorette party videos…
What brought on Kim’s sudden attraction to little people? My answer is that it’s not so sudden. She gave signals that she wanted little folk to be into her as early as 2009 when she wore this obvious sign.
1 down – 6 to go
The only question remaining is, could you, like Kanye, forgive your new bride for fucking a stripper at her Bachelorette party?
Seriously, please leave a comment and let me know what you would do if your new bride admitted to getting drunk and having sex with a midget at her Bachelorette party.
Bar None Dregs
If you think this shit is funny, you should check out Saint Pauly, my protogay over at WTF!? (Watch the Film).
Hilarious WTF!? review of Transformers: Age of Extinction
WTF!? explains The Zero Theorem
As for me, go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
Welcome You know me… And if you don’t I’m Al K Hall, the tender bartender here at the bar none. Al K Hall the, member of the D-generation (d as in drunk) and founder of D. R. I. N. K. E. R. S. (Drunks really independent now known as exiles reunited, Temporal Functional Alcoholic Slurperson
i also run the Bar None website for show notes
Welcome to my first ever pod cask
i’m not gonna waste too much of your time 15 minutes or so
Format
Booze Nooze all that’s shit to print about drinkers and drinking
Booze Revooze a drinkers skewed view of movies
The juiced-box: songs, ballads, ditties, tunes that leave us thinking about drinking
All you gotta do is sit back, put your feet up make yourself at home an what can i get you to drink?
Body That sound means it’s time for Booze Nooze – all the news that’s shit to print
Serving this first: i’m looking for a name for the pod cask. Please go to thebarnone.me and leave a comment if you have any suggestions
Audio Dregs – the pirate pod cask
The Dregs full pod cask
If you have anything better, and i’m sure you do ‘cause y’all are a lot way more intelligenter than i am, leave your suggestions in the tips jar, which is what we call the comments section at the Bar None
Booze Nooze
Yo-Uh Oh! This singer, who knows even less about Martin Luther King Jr than i do unless MLK’s dream really was all about the “Success is all I see, I want the finer things” was Ervin McKiness aka Inkyy aka Jew’elz). You’ll find the full video and link to the original article at thebarnone.me. His story dates back to September 2, 2012 OK, this isn’t news but it’s news to me. Labor day 2012, this young rapper Ervin McKiness, 21 in SoCal tweets quote Drunk af going 120 drifting corners #FuckIt YOLO unquote In human language this translates into Drunk as fuck, going 120 miles an hour, drifting the car around corners. Fuck it, you only live once. And to prove the point, the car crashed killing him and four other people. To be fair to McKiness, he probably wasn’t driving the car, but the irony of his last tweet being YOLO isn’t as lost as his phone probably is. Stay with me here, while i pay tribute to YOLO, which is teen text shorthand for “Hold my beer and watch this.”
From YOLO, which stands for You Only Live Once, it’s a short trip to
YODO You only die once and then
You-DODO You only die once dear oaf which brings up
YODA You only die (asshat) and then
YONO you oughta not over do it and we’ll wrap it up with
YOYO You obliterated your opportunities
Free the Twins – Heidi Creamer (and i know you would if could because she’s half a twin) got the police called on her ass last December because she lives in Florida and not just that, she also got in a fight with her twin sister, Holly. Proving that two heads are not necessarily better than one. Heidi it seems punched, scratched and pulled Holly’s hair in the apartment the dynamic duo share with Heidi’s vag pal and a dildo. i know this because the police report stated that the altercation was over Heidi’s boyfriend and a sex toy. i’m guessing the boyfriend and the dildo wanted to include Holly in the action and sample the refreshments two fisted.
More Drunk Twins
Heidi mug shot
Heidi or Holly – Can we ever be sure?
Celebrity Dregs
Yes barmaids and beerhounds, that sound means it’s time for celebrity dregs, which are the same as the other dregs just more famous.
Oh my Lorde! Last November, my sweeeet Lorde won every award at the Vodafone New Zealand Music Awards. To be fair, her only competition was sheep. Universal records threw a party for their star GOOD Lorde, who at the time was 18 by 2 weeks. Basically, Universal spent $80,000 getting a teenage girl drunk, which makes her the most expensive date in New Zealand. To be fair, the runner up was a sheep. I love ewe. The surprising thing is that they probably didn’t spend this money on peppermint schnapps and wine coolers, but champagne and other grown up drinks. Hats off to the record company, ‘cause I see what y’all are doing – trying to get a teenage girl drunk to take advantage of her…financially. In a tribute, here’s Dear LoRDE covering Kanye’s Hold My Liquor.
Win all the awards!!!!!!!!
Booze Revooze of Run All Night
You don’t know what that sound means because this is the first pod cask, but that’s the introduction to Booze Revooze – A drinker’s skewed view of movies guaranteed spoiler free. Today i’m gonna review Run All Night because once again we here in YeMAN got a movie two days before y’all in the States.
You know how you drunk ride through the city at 3am with a good friend behind the wheel and you settle back into the shotgun seat with the streets as empty as the beer cans rolling at your feet while your driver accelerates and you feel great with the view washing over you. Because the city is always exciting and no matter when or where you are you settle back in the car knowing it and the drink will take you far, there’s always something going on while you race the dawn never feeling sick and never feeling tired. The trip is one you’ve taken before and what you’re seeing is nothing new but the ride is good and the buzz will see you through until the end of the road you’re on where you run down dawn. That mother fuckers is exactly what Run All Night was like.
i don’t know if you noticed this or not, but Liam Neeson has decided to remake the same fucking movie over and over again. And that movie is already Taken but that didn’t stop him from making Taken Two or Taken Three. Run All Night is the same shit different night but whatever, it’s a better night than anything he’s done since Taken. This is a night you might forget, but at least it’s a good time while you’re in it. 3 shots out of 5
Juiced box Fifth in the Floor “Whiskey”
Conclusion (with bar noise)
Show notes for the audio dregs are found at thebarnone.me filed under Audio Dregs Pirate Pod Cask #01²
There’ll be videos of the songs i posted and just to make it clear, i use songs on a don’t ask don’t tell policy, which means i don’t ask so they can’t tell me no. That said, if you own the song and want me to take it down, you can email me at 69alkhall@gmail.com and i’ll see what i can do.
You’ll also find an outline of the script i ignored while putting this shit together
And at the bottom are my drawers, an online repository for NSFW photos tied to the stories (Sexy but no nudity… Usually) That’s my suppository and I’m sticking to it. This week you’ll be able to find photos of sexy twins, drunk twins and i don’t mean the ones from Minnesota, hot shots of Lorde as well as a wallpaper of Joel Kinnaman the young male lead from Run All Night and another of Liam Neeson for those of you who prefer your nights hard to wet
Imma also include the links to the stories i stole for the Booze Nooze
Song that started us out was Twin Atlantic – Yes I was Drunk, the rap song was Dreams by Inkyy, there was a Lorde cover of Hold My Liquor originally by Kanyé West and the official Juiced-box song this week which the real fucking group even let me use officially was Whiskey by the inimitable Fifth on the Floor. There’ll be links to their website and Facebook page in the show notes.
As you may have heard, a group of fanatic assholes attacked a French satirical newspaper, killing thirteen people, including four cartoonists who had made jokes about Islam and Muhammad. As someone who has a passing acquaintance with satire, this made me hopping muham-mad.
But then i realized, Jesus! Because the cartoonists were martyred, they have the right to go to heaven and get 72 virgins! This is a Bar None sedition of what that looks like.
First, however, from the juiced-box and dedicated to the martyrs of freedom of speech: Guns ‘n’ Roses – Paradise City
Muhammad prepares the Virgins for the martyred cartoonists
Drunk ‘High’ School Girls Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Today’s special is Binge Drinking, including all you can drink suckaay, a Brazilian kid with all he couldn’t drink, and a pool of Jägermeister and when i say pool i mean swimming pool. Drowning in the dregs today we got a guy who runs into a cop, literally, another who sleeps through his breathalyzer, Shia LaBoeuf – in the celebrity dregs – graduates from booze school, Scott Disick turns out to be a nice guy, and laying down in my drawers we got a wallpaper of drunk high school girls, Lana Del Rey and Krysten Ritter from the Booze Revooze of Big Eyes.
Audio Dregs Pirate Pod Cask #03
You can either click ‘Play’ to listen to it online…
As i don’t include pictures of under age girls in the Drawers, here’s some shots of Addy Miller, who played “Young Krissi Cates” in the movie. Interesting fact, she was also the little girls zombie with the teddy bear in the first ever episode of The Walking Dead.
Juiced Box
The Pretty Reckless – My Medicine (Live from Rock Am Ring 2011)
You can either click ‘Play’ to listen to it online…
Audio Dregs #10 …or right click the above link and ‘save link as’ download the mp3 file for your player
San Andreas Bar None wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
The music from the Pod Cask
Andrew Lockington – Skydive (San Andreas OST)
Andrew Lockington – Emma’s Rescue (San Andreas OST)
SIA – California Dreamin’
GG Dwayne Johnson (aka Why i didn’t make that joke about Johnson acting like a rock – everything i’ve heard about him makes him seems like a genuinely cool guy)
Chris Pratt funny Bar None wallpaper – click on the shot for a wallpaper
Chris Pratt Bar None wallpaper – click on the shot for a wallpaper
Judy Greer
Judy Greer career Bar None wallpaper – click on the shot for a wallpaper
This is a collage of most of Judy Greer’s acting jobs. Click on it for a full sized image and see if you recognize any, like outlaw country star Cherlene from Archer, Lucy Wyman in 13 Going on 30, or Kitty Sanchez from Arrested Development.
Bryce Dallas Howard
Bryce Dallas Howard pregnant
Bryce Dallas Howard Bar None wallpaper – click on the shot for a wallpaper
Katie McGrath
Katie McGrath Bar None Wallpaper – click on the shot for a wallpaper
After the resounding success of my Vodka for 9-year-olds, i figured what the fuck, there’s grown ups who like vodka too, right?
Written by:
Bar Angels and Boozehounds, the time has come yet again to waste some of your hard earned beer money on other people who won’t be able to contain their disappointment when they open the presents you bought with cash you should’ve spent on cheap tequila and that one heavy chick who wears a bikini top to the bar even if it’s winter and you live in Duluth.
